Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Trauma of What Wasn't

What comes to mind when you think of the word neglect? I would bet its an image of a child that’s maybe dirty or malnourished with ratty clothes. And yes— you would be correct—that is indeed the definition of neglect. There is, however, another type of neglect that’s not as well known—childhood emotional neglect.

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) happens when a kiddo’s emotional needs are not fully met by their parents or caregivers. This sometimes happens intentionally, and often times happens unintentionally. Most parents don’t even know they aren’t meeting their child’s emotional needs—mainly because their own emotional needs weren’t met during childhood. They then lack the skills and ability to attune to their kids’ emotions.

Childhood emotional neglect is quite common but often unheard of. Many adults may not know why they feel the way they do. Those of us in the mental health field refer to CEN as a “hidden trauma” for that exact reason. Folks will say “well, Julia, my parents gave me everything I ever wanted, they were physically present, and there was no traumatic event that I can remember.” And all of that may very well be true! However, we cannot understate how important it is to feel emotionally supported, nurtured, cared for, and loved by our parents plus all that other fun stuff.

So, now I bet you’re wondering, what are some signs of childhood emotional neglect in adulthood?

• Persistent feelings of loneliness or emptiness (sometimes even in a crowded room full of loved ones)

• Feeling disconnected or socially isolated from others

• Feeling highly anxious

• Feeling depressed

• Difficulty trusting others

• Persistent fear of abandonment or rejection

• People pleasing/poor boundaries

• Difficulty expressing or processing emotions

• Difficulty regulating emotions

• Perfectionistic thought patterns

• Chronic feelings of shame

• Self-blaming thought patterns

• Hyper independence (difficulty asking for help from others)

• Constant worry others are upset at you or mad at you 

• Poor (or no) coping skills

These are all symptoms of lack of emotional support and attunement in those pivotal developmental years. Perhaps, maybe, your parents (albeit intentionally or unintentionally) dismiss or invalidate your feelings (“don’t be so sensitive” or “don’t be such a baby”). Maybe they didn’t soothe you, or offer comfort or reassurance when you were upset or distressed (“stop crying or I will give you something to cry about”). Your parents might have punished you for expressing “negative” emotions like anger or sadness, and sent you to your room for time-out. Maybe they did not show emotional warmth or affection like give hugs or kisses. Sometimes it can even look like your parent not acknowledging difficult emotions at all, like grief or sadness. Or maybe they did not share in things you found joyful or interesting. Perhaps your parents placed a high value on achievements or performance (like getting all A’s in school) and did not share or praise you for your character (aka putting emphasis on what we do, not who we are).

Remember that connection, as human beings, is our natural state! Feeling secure in that connection as kiddos (attachment theory posits it begins at birth!) is key to healthy self-esteem, sense of self, and healthy relationships throughout the lifespan. Some important words to consider: connection and security/safety. 

If you read the above list and resonated with this— you are not alone! So many of us fall into that category. The good news is that therapy can help. Therapy can help you address and process these experiences, identify emotions and learn how to adaptively cope with them, learn relationship skills, and set healthy boundaries for yourself and with others. 

Ready to take the next step? Contact us today to schedule your first appointment and begin your healing journey.

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Email appointments@therapeuticcounseling.org

References

Gillette, H. (2022, October 24). Childhood emotional neglect: Effects, signs, and how to heal. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/emotional-neglect-childhood#recap

Gould, W. R. (2023, August 18). How childhood emotional neglect shows up in adult life. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/childhood-emotional-neglect-in-adulthood-7568040

Lepera, N. (2024). The C-PTSD Workbook. https://holisticpsych.s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/assets/C-PTSD+Workbook.pdf