Understanding, Embracing, and Releasing Anger
- Janelle De Guzman
- May 21
- 8 min read
Do you ever catch yourself feeling angry and then instantly feel guilty about it? When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel anger without guilt, shame, pushing it away, or immediately apologizing for it? Many of us may have been taught that anger isn’t welcome, or that it means disrespect. Maybe you’ve heard things like, “That’s not a big deal,” “Stop overreacting,” “Be nice,” “Don’t be so dramatic,” or “Calm down.” A lot of us were conditioned to believe that anger is bad, that anger means we’ve lost control, and/or that it makes us unlikeable. Thus, maybe we’ve learned to silence ourselves, leading us to hide, rather than understand, our anger.
In our culture, anger is often seen as something to avoid or suppress. Anger sometimes gets a bad reputation with labels like “destructive,” “inappropriate,” “immature,” or “uncontrollable.” However, anger is a natural, valid, and important emotion to understand and release. Similar to most feelings, it carries messages and information about our needs, boundaries, and values, such as whether we want attention, care, or change. What matters most is how we relate to our anger, what we do with it, and whether we let it guide us toward healing or harm. The first step to releasing anger in healthy ways is to understand our anger.
The Anger Iceberg: What’s Beneath the Surface?
Anger doesn’t typically exist on its own. It is a reaction that rises to the surface when we’re trying to defend ourselves from more painful, tender, or vulnerable emotions that are hidden underneath. In other words, anger is easy to see, but it may just be the “tip of the iceberg.”
A powerful and helpful tool to visualize this is with the Anger Iceberg, which is a metaphor used in therapy to explain the complexity of anger. Although anger is what we see and express, there may be hidden emotions underneath fueling it.
These underlying emotions might include the following:
Sadness
Disappointment
Loneliness
Annoyance
Disrespect
Anxiety
Stress
Disgust
Hurt
Regret
Shame
When we feel unheard, rejected, betrayed, disrespected, disappointed, ashamed, regretful, threatened, or more, we may lash out in anger, but sometimes, what we might be feeling is vulnerability. Anger can be a protective shield to keep our deeper emotions hidden from ourselves. Refer to the image below for some more examples of underlying emotions.
Here are some real-life examples of how the Anger Iceberg can play out:
Surface Anger: "You never listen to me! I’m so sick of repeating myself!” (romantic relationship)
Underneath the Iceberg:
Hurt → “I don’t feel valued in this relationship.”
Loneliness → “I feel emotionally disconnected.”
Resentment → “I feel taken for granted.”
Fear → “What if we’re growing apart and they leave me?”
Surface Anger: “You always bail on me! I’m done trying.” (friendships)
Underneath the Iceberg:
Rejection → “I don’t feel important to you.”
Grief → “I miss how close we used to be.”
Disappointment → “I was really looking forward to seeing them.”
Insecurity → “I’m worried I’m not someone worth sticking around for.”
Surface Anger: “They never cared about me.” (after a breakup)
Underneath the Iceberg:
Abandonment → “Why wasn’t I enough?”
Grief → “I lost someone I loved.”
Betrayal → “I trusted them.”
Vulnerability → “I let myself get too close, and it hurt.”
Surface Anger: “You’re so irritating! Why can’t you just listen for once?” (parenting)
Underneath the Iceberg:
Exhaustion → “I’m overwhelmed and overstimulated.”
Guilt → “I’m scared I’m failing as a parent.”
Frustration → “I feel ignored.”
Fear → “What if something bad happens?”
Why Do We Suppress Anger?
There are various reasons people learn to suppress or fear their anger. Over time, we internalize the belief that anger must be hidden, softened, or swallowed.
Here are some examples to explore why that might happen:
Cultural or family norms: Some families or communities view anger as disrespectful or taboo. If you grew up in a household where anger was punished, silenced, or shamed, we may start believing that being angry is bad or disrespectful. You may have heard, “Stop raising your voice,” “You’re being ungrateful and disrespectful,” or “Keep the peace and be happy.” Thus, many people learn to suppress their anger and mask the emotions underneath.
Trauma history: If someone experienced or witnessed unsafe expressions of anger growing up, they may associate anger with harm or loss of control. Those experiences of rage or unpredictable emotional outbursts can feel threatening. For instance, a child raised around explosive behavior may be conditioned to numb their emotions to protect themselves. In adulthood, this can present as people-pleasing tendencies, shutting down emotionally, or feeling guilty when feeling angry or irritated.
Gender roles: Women and femme-presenting individuals are often discouraged from expressing anger, being labeled as “too emotional” or “aggressive.” Some traditional views may emphasize that women should be nice, promote harmony, and take care of others, thus making anger “dramatic,” “hysterical,” or “too much.” On the other hand, men and masc-presenting individuals may only be allowed to show anger but not the more vulnerable emotions underneath (e.g., sadness, fear, shame, disappointment, etc.), which are seen as “weak” or “unmanly.”
Fear of consequences: In workplaces, schools, or relationships, showing anger can lead to punishment, conflict, or disconnection. For instance, you may have learned that boundary-setting makes you a “difficult” person and speaking up may mean risking your job or relationship. Therefore, to avoid conflict or disconnection, people may turn their anger inward, leading to self-blame rather than advocating for one’s own needs.
But avoiding anger doesn’t make it disappear. Suppressed anger can speak, just indirectly. Suppressing anger can build up the pressure until it festers and leaks out in ways like the following:
Passive-aggressive behavior: sarcasm, shutting down, backhanded comments, or indirect jabs
Internalized emotions: depression, guilt, deep sense of shame, or low self-worth
Physical symptoms: headaches, muscle pain and tension, stomach issues, and fatigue
Relationship strain: built-up resentment, unmet needs, or conflict avoidance
Instead of suppressing anger, we should try listening to what could be going on. Anger can be a signal that something is important to us, a boundary was crossed, or our needs were unmet. When we pause and stay curious about what is underneath our anger, we can find that anger can be linked to hurt, fear, grief, longing, disappointment, or other emotions.
Letting anger exist doesn’t mean letting it control you. It means giving it space to be heard and understood.
Once we understand and validate our anger (like saying, “It’s okay to feel this way”), we can release our anger in healthy ways and transform it into something empowering and clarifying. Doing so can help us learn to respond rather than react to situations that anger us.
Reacting vs. Responding
Reacting | Responding |
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| Rooted in self-awareness and emotional regulation |
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Healthy Ways to Feel, Understand, and Express Anger
Rather than suppressing or exploding, here are healthier ways to work with anger:
1. Notice What Your Body is Telling You
The first step is awareness. Check in with your body. What are you feeling in your body? Is your heart racing? Do you feel heat? Are you fists clenched? Is your jaw tight? Are your shoulders tense? Notice the physical sensations.
2. Name It
Say to yourself, “I’m feeling angry right now.” You don’t have to justify or explain it immediately. Just name it.
3. Validate Yourself
Say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way.” This allows you to show compassion rather than judgment.
4. Be Curious About What’s Underneath
Ask yourself, “What might be underneath this anger?” Check in with the anger iceberg. Try journaling or talking it out with someone you trust or your therapist. You might discover that your anger is signaling a boundary that was crossed or needs that have been ignored.
5. Move the Energy
Anger is a physical experience, meaning it lives in our bodies. Moving your body helps release the pent-up tension:
Go for a walk or run
Punch a pillow or scream into one
Roll the windows down on the highway and sing super loudly in your car
Do something physical and focused, such as cleaning or lifting weights
Take deep and forceful breaths
Write a rage letter (that you don’t send) then rip it, crumple it up, throw it away, or safely burn it
Stomp
Go to a rage room
Do a high intensity workout, like jumping jacks, sprints, or burpees
Dance it out
Take a kickboxing class
6. Express it Constructively
Practice using “I” statements. These statements help us communicate our feelings clearly and assertively without blame, elevation, or passive aggression. It allows us to be emotionally honest while still maintaining respect for ourselves and others.
Here is a template and some examples:
“I feel angry when I’m not listened to because it makes me feel like my thoughts don’t matter. I’d appreciate it if I could finish speaking first.”
“I feel disappointed when plans change last-minute because I like to prepare mentally. Could you let me know earlier next time?”
“I feel overwhelmed when I’m the only one managing responsibilities and cleaning around the house. I would love more balance and support.”
“I feel irritated when I don’t have space to unwind after work. Could I get 15 minutes to decompress before engaging with everyone?”
“I feel angry when I repeatedly ask for something to be done because it makes me feel ignored. It would really help if things were taken care of the first time.”
“I feel frustrated when I always reach out first. I would love to feel like this friendship matters to both of us.”
7. Reflect and Repair (if necessary)
After you’ve understood, expressed, and communicated your anger, ask yourself:
What did this anger want to tell me?
Did I express it healthily and assertively?
Do I need to set a boundary, ask for something, or offer an apology?
Final Thoughts: Anger is a Signal, Not a Sin
You are not too much, too emotional, or broken for feeling angry. Anger isn’t a flaw or the enemy. It’s a signal, protector, guide, and a messenger. When we slow down and get curious, we can find pain, boundaries, or values underneath.
By learning to pause, tune in, and explore what’s beneath the surface, we can develop a healthier relationship with this powerful emotion. Anger can motivate us to set boundaries, protect what matters, and advocate for ourselves and our needs. It can even guide us back to parts of ourselves that have been silenced or neglected.
Let your anger speak. And listen with compassion.
If you're ready to explore your emotions and develop a healthier relationship with anger, our therapists are here to help. Schedule a therapy session today.
Sources
Benson, K. (2024, June 26). The anger iceberg. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/
González-Prendes, A. A. (2013). Culture-sensitive regulation of anger. Treatments for Anger in Specific Populations, 236–254. https://doi.org/10.1093/med:psych/9780199914661.003.0013
Hendel, H. J., & Fraga, J. (2024, March 12). Feeling ragey? don’t bury your anger, process it. Here’s how. NPR. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/03/12/1236973762/anger-management-types-purpose-cause
Park, J., Kitayama, S., Markus, H. R., Coe, C. L., Miyamoto, Y., Karasawa, M., Curhan, K. B., Love, G. D., Kawakami, N., Boylan, J. M., & Ryff, C. D. (2013). Social status and anger expression: The cultural moderation hypothesis. Emotion, 13(6), 1122–1131. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034273
Taylor, J. (2021, October 5). The difference between reacting and responding. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/202110/the-difference-between-reacting-and-responding
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