How early life experiences and relationships shape our beliefs
You may have heard of attachment styles at some point in your life, as this language derives from a developmental theory known as Attachment theory. This is a perspective that aims to understand how we interact within our relationships based on early life experiences and beliefs about others and the world.
The field of psychology understands there to be FOUR attachment styles:
Secure Attached
Anxious Attachment
Avoidant Attachment
Disorganized Attachment (Anxious-Avoidant)
This theory is based on ethnological, evolutionary, and psychological perspectives.
Ethological—understanding behaviors in their natural conditions
Evolutionary—observing how humans aim to get their needs met
Psychological—exploring the connection between mind and behaviors
Secure Attachment Style
Low Avoidance—Low Anxiety
“I feel safe and secure in this world”
Potential Early Life Experiences
Lived with consistent and reliable caregiver(s)
Experienced predictability in routine and environment
Had caregivers that fostered emotional connectedness during infancy and throughout
your childhood and teen years
Your basic needs were met, such as housing, food, safety, medical care, etc.
How it can look in adulthood
The ability to comfortably and confidently form and maintain trusting relationships
Engaging in both offering + receiving relational dynamics
Implementing appropriate boundaries with assertiveness
Having the skills to thrive in relationships, without the fear of abandonment or being
alone
Overall holding an optimistic and trusting view of self, others and the world
Anxious Attachment Style
Low Avoidance—High Anxiety
“I feel unsure because life and people are ever changing”
Potential Early Life Experiences
Growing up with inconsistent and unreliable caregiver(s)
Exposed to a rigid and/or anxious caregiver(s)
Lacking predictability in routine in the home environment
Experiencing “Hot and Cold” or “In and Out” parenting
Experiencing abandonment or significant loss
Inconsistencies in having your basic and emotional needs met
How it can look in adulthood
Feeling a need for approval seeking thought things such as external validation
Experiencing anxiousness that can lead to the fear that others might leave unexpectedly
Noticing a high need for attention, connection and reassurance within relationships
People pleasing tendencies
Having a difficult time setting and maintaining boundaries
Avoidant Attachment Style
High Avoidance—Low Anxiety
“I feel like I am the only one who truly understands my needs and cares to meet them”
Potential Early Life Experiences
Experienced patterns of absence, avoidance, and/or dismissiveness from caregiver(s)
Learned to be self-sufficient because their needs were not met by their caregivers
Felt that their caregivers held minimal willingness or ability to emotionally connect
Experienced abandonment or significant loss
Survived neglect or abusive dynamics as a child & teen
How it can look in adulthood
Being and preferring to be self-reliant, at times to a fault
Resonating with the concept of being a “lonewolf”
Struggling with isolative tendencies
Feeling emotional detachment or guardedness
Having a hard time feeling attuned within relationships, left feeling misunderstood
Tendencies to be dismissive of others wants and needs
Disorganized Attachment Style
High Avoidance—High Anxiety
“This world feels chaotic, and people are unpredictable”
Potential Early Life Experiences
Experienced inconsistent and unstable parenting from caregiver(s)
Adverse or traumatic experiences stemming from life with caregiver(s)
Experienced multiple changes in caregiver(s)
Witnessed caregiver(s) struggling to effectively cope with mental health, such as severe
depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.
Navigated life after caregivers separation or divorce
Coping with conflicting differences in parenting styles
How it can look in adulthood
Fearful-Avoidant tendencies
Coping with a low distress tolerance
Reluctant to get emotionally close to others due to feelings of mistrust
Issues with setting and maintaining boundaries
Experiences emotional fluctuations and instability
Struggles with maintaining stable and realistic expectations on self and others
Fluctuations in how they invest in their relationships
If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how it has or can change, reach out to one of our clinicians that can support and guide you through this work! We support you while processing how these experiences have shaped you, while shifting how you relate to others to feel more trusting of the world around you, as well as feeling truly secure within yourself.
To start, The Attachment Project, has great tools to begin self-exploration and self-regulation, check out the resource below at https://www.attachmentproject.com. The Attachment Project has a self-guided quiz and workbooks that explores relationships with caregivers, past relationship and current relationship to figure how these experiences have shape the way you interact with and perceive your relationships.
Sources
*Graphics created using Zinnia
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amire Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
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