Relationship Trauma and Boundary Issues in Adulthood
- Cloey Bibbs
- May 15
- 4 min read
Updated: May 21
Have you ever wondered, “Why do I always attract people who aren’t good for me?” Something that can influence the types of relationships we get involved in is the quality of the relationships we had with our caregiver(s) as children or the influence of others around us as we begin to shape our own self-perception. When someone has only known physical or emotional abuse, chances are likely that they may attract unhealthy relationships as adults and unintentionally seek to recreate what they know best. The abuse can seem comforting because it’s familiar. It can also be hard to walk away from unhealthy relationships in adulthood when you were forced as a child to live with it. This can be harmful for a child who is slowly developing their inner dialogue and sense of self. With this lack of confidence, our ability to set boundaries is at risk because we become consumed with seeking constant approval from others, even if that means ignoring our own needs.
Trauma Bonding and Love Bombing
The phrase “comfort in chaos” may be relatable to those who view a healthy, stable relationship as boring. It’s normal to not understand what it’s like to comfortably remain in a state of stability if we become accustomed to the highs and lows that an unhealthy relationship can bring. Additionally, if we struggle with low self-esteem and asserting boundaries, this can unfortunately become an addictive cycle. It typically looks like being stuck in a cycle of receiving excessive validation and attention—also known as love-bombing—and then being faced with rejection and a lack of emotional interest by the perpetrator. When we become emotionally attached to this pattern, we engage in what’s called “trauma bonding.” Struggling with internal self-worth can leave us believing that we deserve to be mistreated, which can lead to justifying the perpetrator’s behavior and staying in the relationship. If we don’t explore where this harmful belief stems from, then we can expect to find ourselves thinking that we need to earn love. Is this why we sabotage ourselves in healthy relationships where we are already worthy? We attract what we feel like we deserve.
Breaking the Cycle
Accepting abuse for so many years destroys our self-image. We already assume we are the problem due to how it all started, and now it feels like the problem is being confirmed if we continue to find ourselves attracting people who are harmful to us. Self-blame and guilt continue to grow, and we feel like we are at a loss. Assertive communication can be challenging, especially if it has always been easier to put the other person first. The concept of saying no and putting ourselves first can also trigger abandonment wounds, due to it sending off reminders of the idea of being rejected. Fortunately, there is hope and a way to break this cycle.
Boundary Styles and Types of Boundaries
The first small step we can take is to figure out what boundaries are and what they look like. There are 3 styles listed below:
Healthy: A person with healthy boundaries shows traits of freely being able to express opinions while respecting other people’s views, saying no guilt-free, and understanding when and how to set their limits.
Porous: A person with porous boundaries faces challenges such as oversharing, being too consumed in others’ problems, difficulty with saying no, and being at risk of being taken advantage of.
Rigid: A person with rigid boundaries tends to have difficulties with trusting others, being emotionally distant, and avoiding putting themselves in situations that involve feeling vulnerable.
We also have what are called boundary types. Here are a few common ones:
Emotional: This type of boundary involves respecting others’ emotional needs and refraining from oversharing personal information.
Physical: This type of boundary involves respecting others’ needs for physical space.
Sexual: Similar to physical boundaries, this type focuses on respecting another person’s bodily autonomy and preferences regarding their sexual needs.
Financial: Considering someone’s financial needs involves respecting how often they choose to loan money and how much they are willing to spend.
Spiritual/Religious: This type of boundary involves respecting differences in spiritual and religious beliefs.
Time: Lastly, regardless of whether someone has plans or not, this boundary involves respecting their right to how they spend their time.
Examining the Roots of Our Fears
A topic to explore in therapy would be figuring out where these roots come from. Setting a boundary with someone can be scary. What does our brain and body anticipate is going to happen next? What would we be missing out on if we walked away from abuse? A common theme is fear of abandonment, where there is an intense need to be with someone and to cling to whoever gives us attention. Another possibility could be avoidance—because if we immerse ourselves into another person, then it’s easier to ignore and further suppress any attachment wounds and trauma that we don’t want to confront. Corrective emotional experiences and deep exploration with a mental health therapist can help facilitate growth and recovery in these areas.
Why Having Healthy Boundaries Is Important for Successful Relationships
You might be thinking, “But what if they think poorly of me and don’t like me anymore?” If that’s all it takes for this person to not like us, that’s okay. The world will still spin. If you have an ounce of fear or this thought crosses your mind, what might be going on here? Not to say that this won’t ever happen, but a true friend or significant other will not end a relationship over plans being canceled one night. Will they be disappointed? Sure—but they wouldn’t let that determine the course of the relationship.
Boundaries are powerful. They can show us how someone truly feels about us, which can be super intimidating. The good news is that we can use boundaries as a filter for figuring out who our people are. For every boundary one person will not respect, another person will. We must understand that what might be good for someone’s heart—such as ignoring our needs—might not be good for our brain. Being selfless is viewed as something that we should be, because it means we care about others. However, you can care about others and care about yourself. This is what it means to have healthy boundaries, and eventually those healthy relationships will soon follow.
Comments