Understanding and Working With Your Attachment Style

*Image from Famly via Google Images

Have you ever noticed that some people are calm and confident in relationships while others can be clingy, worry about being abandoned, pull away when things get close, or have trust issues? These patterns aren’t typically random; they’re due to attachment styles. Attachment styles shape how we connect and communicate in relationships, and they typically develop from early childhood experiences with one’s caregiver(s). 

Where Attachment Styles Come From

*Image from Shadeee Care via Google Images

Psychologist John Bowlby coined attachment theory when he studied how children bond with their caregivers. To put this simply, the way that our caregivers responded to our emotional needs formed the blueprint for how we expect love to work. As a result, those experiences shape how we develop relationships and security in adult relationships. 

For instance, if a caregiver is distant or emotionally unavailable, a child might learn avoidant patterns if expressing needs or emotions is ignored or seen as “too much.” If a caregiver is unpredictable and confusing (sometimes distant/dismissive, sometimes nurturing), children may learn to hold on tight or act out in order to receive attention. If a caregiver is inconsistent, neglectful, or a source of fear (with minimal moments of care and comfort), a child might learn that love and safety are tied with fear, uncertainty, and chaos. Caregivers who are consistent, reliable, warm, comforting, and secure typically breed children who grow up learning that support is given whenever it’s needed or asked for. Although attachment develops from childhood, it can change and heal through self-awareness and intentional work.

What Are the Four Attachment Styles?

*Image from Attachment Project via Google Images

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissing), and fearful-avoidant (disorganized). If you’re interested in discovering your attachment style, visit this link for an attachment style quiz.

Secure 

*Image from Vecteezy via Google Images

Securely attached individuals typically had caregivers that were nurturing, consistent, and responsive. They learned that their needs mattered and that it is safe to rely on others and be there for others. They tend to be reliable and trust that love is stable. 

Here are some characteristics of this attachment style:

• Able to regulate feelings and emotions 

• Comfortable with intimacy and independence

• Can communicate needs and feelings clearly

• Able to trust, bond, and open up to others

• Comfortable with alone time

• Able to handle conflict without panic or withdrawal

• Actively seek and provide emotional support 

Example:

If someone was stressed about work and was ranting, a secure partner (instead of withdrawing, panicking, taking it personally, or getting annoyed) would listen, offer reassurance, and stay emotionally balanced.

Anxious (Preoccupied)

*Image from Shutterstock via Google Images

Anxiously attached people typically had inconsistent caregivers, meaning they were sometimes attentive and loving and sometimes distracted and unavailable. So, they learned to intensely focus, cling hard, or stay high alert in relationships in order to feel safe. 

Here are some characteristics of this attachment style:

• Craving closeness and reassurance

• Fear of abandonment

• Preoccupation with other’s feelings and thoughts

• Reading deep into slight changes in others’ feelings and behaviors

• Falling in love easily

• Highly insecure in relationships

• Searching often for external validation

• Anxiety that a partner will leave them

• Worrying that a partner doesn’t love them

Example:

If someone’s partner went out to hang out with their friends and doesn’t respond immediately, someone with an anxious attachment may start questioning if their partner is losing interest or if they did something wrong. They strongly desire closeness and may overthink, act extra clingy, or appear very anxious, even when their partner hasn’t done anything wrong. 

Avoidant (Dismissing)

*Image from Simply Psychology via Google Images

People with avoidant attachment may have grown up with emotionally distant parents who discouraged dependence, thus making closeness feel uncomfortable, triggering, or unsafe. This often leads to hyper-independence, downplaying emotions, and pulling away/wanting space when things get too vulnerable.

Here are some characteristics of this attachment style:

• Discomfort with closeness

• Avoiding opening up to others or talking about their feelings

• Valuing independence and self-sufficiency

• Suppressing or ignoring emotions

• Struggling with trust or intimacy

• Pulling away when someone gets too close

• Resolving conflict in relationships on their own 

• Often seeming distant or cold

• Difficulty relying on others

Example:

If their partner is talking about their feelings and asks their partner to be vulnerable or what they’re thinking/feeling, someone with an avoidant attachment might get uncomfortable, stay silent, and/or ask for space. They may appear distant, not because they don’t care, but because emotional vulnerability feels awkward, pointless, and unsafe.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized)

*Image from Verywell Mind via Google Images

The fearful-avoidant attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies. They typically come from caregivers who may have been neglectful, unpredictable, and abusive, and they tend to have traumatic histories. They may have hot and cold or push-pull behavioral patterns in relationships (back and forth between love and hate/clinginess and pulling away). They really want closeness, but they also fear it, which creates intense internal conflict.

Here are some characteristics of this attachment style:

• Wanting intimacy but having extreme difficulties with trust

• Desiring but also intensely fearing emotional closeness

• Unpredictable or chaotic responses to partners (intense highs and lows)

• Emotional intensity and fear of rejection 

• Intense fear of abandonment

• Back and forth between clingy and dismissive

• Self-fulfilling prophecy behaviors

• Strong belief that others will hurt them

• Difficulties with emotional regulation

Example:

Someone with a disorganized attachment style might constantly text their partner and constantly ask for reassurance and closeness, but then because they get scared at how vulnerable they were, they might wake up the next day and ignore their messages. Those with this attachment style tend to have push-pull patterns rooted in fear. 

Tips on How to Work With Each Attachment Style

*Image from Chuck Dunning via Google Images

If you have a secure attachment…

• Be mindful of your partner’s needs. It may be easy to assume that people handle emotions, situations, and relationships the way you do, but if your partner has anxious or avoidant tendencies, they might need more understanding, reassurance, and/or space.

  
  

• Openly communicate. Staying open about your own feelings and thoughts and modeling healthy communication can encourage others around you to do the same. 

  
  

• Protect your boundaries. Being the stable one can be exhausting if you’re over-functioning in relationships. Support works both ways. Be mindful and communicate when you feel like others may be pushing or disrespecting your boundaries.

Anxious (Preoccupied)

If you have an anxious attachment…

• Improve your ability to self-soothe. If you feel yourself wanting to rely on someone else to make you feel better or if you feel the urge to ask for reassurance, take a pause and try some grounding techniques to help ease your anxiety. This can include journaling; deep breathing; hanging out with your friends; doing your own self-care; working out; taking a cold shower, or giving yourself words of compassion and reassurance. 

  
  

• Challenge anxious thoughts. Challenge the thoughts that are telling yourself that other people don’t care about you or don’t love you. What’s the evidence to prove otherwise? Add some distance to those thoughts (e.g., putting the thoughts on clouds) or replace the thoughts with neutral or factual thoughts.

  
  

• Be open about your needs. Instead of expecting others to assume or know what you need, be open about exactly what you need from others when you start to feel insecure or anxious. Do you need reassurance? A hug? Express it.

Avoidant (Dismissing)

If you have an avoidant attachment…

• Pause and recognize when you want to distance yourself. When you feel like you want to stay quiet or pull away, be curious and ask yourself what you may be protecting yourself from. Will pulling away help or hurt the situation? Communicate what you need if you do need a little bit of space.

  
  

• Slowly practice vulnerability. Share minor feelings or details of your life to encourage openness in your relationship and increase your ability to build emotional intimacy with others. 

  
  

• Try to see vulnerability/closeness as a strength rather than a weakness. Being open with others or having some level of dependency isn’t a weakness or a sign of losing control. It’s part of being human and is the road to building deeper connections.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized)

If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment…

• Learn to build emotional safety within yourself. Practice self-soothing techniques, pausing before reacting, building self-compassion within yourself, and identifying what safety or danger feels like in your body. Building this awareness and ability can help you feel safe with yourself, rather than relying on others to create that safety for you.

• Notice your triggers with curiosity rather than judgment. If you find yourself in push-pull patterns or feeling hot and cold with others, notice what’s happening and what the fear could be. Naming your fear of being hurt or abandoned can give that fear less power over you.

Final Thoughts

*Image from Vecteezy via Google Images

Understanding your attachment style can help build awareness and compassion within you and see how these patterns were formed to protect you, not defeat you. Healing from anything doesn’t happen overnight, but with gentle compassion and intentionality in relationships, we can rewrite old stories and childhood patterns, slowly building security within ourselves and our relationships. Reach out to your therapist if you’d like to learn more about your attachment style.

Sources

Guider, C. (2022, November 3). Creating secure attachment: Article. Therapist Aid. https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/creating-secure-attachment

Laslocky, M. (2014, February 13). How to stop attachment insecurity from ruining your love life. Greater Good. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life

McLeod, S. (2025, April 20). John Bowlby’s attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html

The Attachment Project. (2025, August 8). Attachment styles in adult relationships - complete guide. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/