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The Power of Attunement in Therapy

  • Writer: Matthew Dean
    Matthew Dean
  • Nov 13
  • 3 min read

Clients are in a relationship with their therapist. 


That may be a jarring statement to read, but it’s true. While there are strict laws and ethical codes that detail the type of relationship it is, the client/therapist relationship is still exactly that: a relationship. 

In order to have a healthy relationship there must be communication, consistency, and care--among other things. Sharing of professional knowledge is one way a therapist may show care to a client. Giving resources, teaching coping skills, or giving education are several ways that this unique relationship can help a client feel better. 


Another way therapists care for their clients is through attunement. Attunement is not a buzzword in the social media world of armchair psychology. So what is it? 

Let’s use some examples:



You tune a piano. Or a violin. You go to the mechanic for a tuneup for your car. What are you actually doing when that happens? You’re paying careful attention. You look, listen, and ask the question: what does this need? Attuning to another human is similar. 


Dr. Dan Siegel has done extensive research in the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB). He uses brain science along with emotion-focused work to help understand the way humans impact each other. Dr. Siegel says, “When we attune to others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of 'feeling felt' that emerges in close relationships” (Siegel, 2010).  The notion of “feeling felt” is at the heart of attunement. 


Clients are often coming to therapy because they have not received what they needed from important people in their life, resulting in some kind of distress. Researcher and couple’s therapist Dr. Gottman uses the term “bids” to describe the longing for connection. Emotional bids are moments where one individual reaches for connection. When one person’s bid for connection is met with attunement, the result is a feeling felt. Furthermore, Dr. Seigel uses 4 S’s, safe, seen, soothed, and secure, to help us understand what happens one is appropriately attuned to. 


When we don’t get what we emotionally need the result is distress. It may show up as anxiety, depression, or any other distressing experience. Part of the therapist’s job is to give attunement to the client that has been missing in their life. So what does that look like? 



Part of attuning to another person is being aware of what they are saying with nonverbal cues. Noticing tone, body language, and facial expressions are a key part in attunement. If a client says they are doing great but have a scowl on their face, perhaps there is more they aren’t saying. A therapist’s job is to gently name what they see with curiosity. This either brings awareness for the client or invites them to share what they had previously kept hidden. 


Additionally, therapists hold space for clients in a way they may not receive elsewhere. A parent might be too busy to hear about their kid’s day. A partner might have their own stress at work. A boss may not care to hear how difficult it is to meet next week’s deadline. Holding space while listening to understand rather than listening to respond is a key part of attuning to someone. Phrases like, “What I’m hearing you say is”, “That sounds really difficult”, or “I can only imagine what that must have been like”, let the speaker know you intend on getting at the heart of what is happening in their experience. 


Finally, part of attuning to someone is joining them in their experience. Imagine someone is struggling to stay afloat in the deep end of a swimming pool. Sometimes it is necessary for a lifeguard to jump in with them before bringing them to safety. The lifeguard is in the midst of the distress with the swimmer, but is regulated enough to get out of the deep end. Therapists can do a similar thing. By allowing their body to feel the client’s pain, the client may feel safe enough to move through it themselves. 


Through these interpersonal interactions the brain changes. Nervous systems begin to calm down. Security is felt again. Shame decreases. Old stories can be re-written. This is why having a healthy client/therapist relationship is so important. Therapy can be so much more than just learning new knowledge, gaining resources, and implementing skills. When you are attuned to, you begin to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. 



Sources

Siegel, D. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Random House Publishing Group. 


 





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