Personal Growth Through Discomfort: How Feeling Our Emotions And Understanding Them Enables Us To Grow
- Janelle De Guzman
- 6 minutes ago
- 6 min read
When you think of "growth," what do you think of? Perhaps you think of achievement, personal development, promotions, hitting milestones, growing your muscles, getting faster, or even just a plant or human literally growing naturally. Sometimes we can think of growth as something exciting or easy, and maybe that’s what the end looks like, but to be honest, the process of growth isn’t as glamorous as the internet makes it out to be.
Social media typically only shows the end results and rarely the behind-the-scenes necessary for those results to manifest (i.e. the setbacks, failures, doubts, tears, vulnerability, slow pace, intense emotions, etc.). More often than not, the journey is uncomfortable, messy, un-motivating, and even painful. This being the case, people can tend to avoid it, feel unsafe, or think they’re doing something wrong the moment discomfort arises. However, it’s in that discomfort that we actually grow.
Researchers Kaitlin Woolley and Ayelet Fishbach have even found that seeking discomfort and using discomfort as an indicator of growth can correlate with higher rates and levels of motivation, persistence, and performance. Discomfort isn’t failure or something to avoid; it’s actually a sign that you’re stretching and work is happening. So, let’s stop avoiding discomfort, feel our feelings, and learn to lean into discomfort.
Why Do We Avoid Discomfort in the First Place?
Our brains and nervous systems are designed to keep us safe. If we look at this from an evolutionary perspective, humans are wired for survival, to scan for danger, and to protect ourselves. However, our brains and bodies can’t really differentiate between physical danger (running from a bear) and emotional discomfort (overwhelming feelings: such as rejection; heartbreak; grief; guilt; shame, or anxiety).
To our bodies and our nervous systems, that emotional discomfort can feel as threatening as danger, and so, our bodies respond as such. We either fight, flee, or freeze. Many times though, we avoid, distract, numb, or just try not to think about it--hoping the feeling will just eventually go away. In other words, psychologists call this experiential avoidance. Here are some examples of that avoidance:
Distraction/busyness: Overloading your schedule and overworking yourself so that you never have much time to sit down quietly to notice or feel what you’re actually feeling.
Doom scrolling/digital numbing: Scrolling for endless hours on social media, getting lost in hours of video games, or binge watching a TV show when we feel too anxious to sit with our thoughts.
Delaying: Telling ourselves we will deal with the problem later, but does “later” actually come?
Impulsive behaviors: Bingeing food, drinking lots of alcohol, or doing other drugs to soothe the discomfort or relieve pain temporarily instead of sitting with and exploring the feelings.
How Avoidance Can Hurt
Although avoidance may seem to bring relief at first, the feelings don’t actually disappear. They can usually resurface in many ways. Avoidance is even associated with higher levels of anxiety, depression, and interpersonal stress. Here are some ways in which avoidance can cause all those discomfortable feelings to resurface:
Those feelings intensify. Mild anxiety, depression, or miscommunications can add up and turn into panic, a major depressive episode, or a full-blown argument.
They show up in different ways. Unprocessed or un-communicated feelings can show up as arguments or resentment towards your partner. Unresolved grief can turn into fatigue and disconnection.
They keep us stuck or stagnant. Instead of feeling the feelings and being able to move on, they may consume us, trap us, or leave us circling around the same problems repeatedly.
Feel Your Feelings
Experiential avoidance, though, involves intentionally avoiding uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, sensations, or memories. However, the more we try not to feel our feelings, the more it lingers. Imagine a beach ball and pushing it underwater. If you push it down harder and further, it’ll pop back up stronger. If we give ourselves gentle permission to feel, we can finally begin to heal.
Instead of running, let’s try turning inwards. Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean you let the emotions completely take over. To feel your feelings, approach it with curiosity and compassion. Here are some steps to take to feel your feelings:
Notice: See how your body feels, and notice your sensations. Is it tense? Relaxed? Tight? Heavy? Light? Hot? Cold?
Name: Once we figure out how our body feels, maybe we can start to name the emotion. Perhaps tense shoulders indicate stress, tight chest means anxiety, or sweaty palms means nervousness. Whatever your sensation is, notice what emotion it could indicate.
Normalize/Validate: Tell yourself it’s okay to feel your emotions. Tell yourself, “I’m human. I don’t need to like these emotions, but I can survive them.”
Feelings are like storms or waves. They come, and they can also go. They don’t last forever. If we feel our feelings, we might realize that we’re stronger, more resilient, and more capable to handle them than we thought.
How Our Feelings Can Point Us Towards Growth
Our feelings can communicate and give us information. Our feelings might not be our enemy; rather, they might just be trying to get our attention. Here are some examples:
Anger can indicate crossed boundaries. For example, you find yourself feeling angry at your partner and snapping at them because they keep interrupting you. That anger can mean that you just want to be listened to and respected. Additionally, a friend is constantly canceling on you at the last minute, making you angry and frustrated. That anger is a sign that you want to be able to rely on them and have a reciprocal relationship.
Anxiety can reveal values we care about. For example, you feel knots in your stomach after dropping your kids off at school. That anxiety can reflect how deeply you value safety, wellbeing, and family.
Fear can guide you towards courage and preparation. For instance, you might be really nervous for a job interview, but that fear can signal that preparation is important. Leaning into that feeling and preparing can increase your confidence.
Shame can reveal unmet needs. For example, if you feel ashamed after failing to meet a personal goal, that shame might point towards your value for self-discipline and motivate you to meet that goal.
Jealousy can point to personal wants. For example, if you see other people getting promotions or achieving fitness goals that you also want, that jealousy can motivate you to clarify your priorities and guide you towards career growth or going to the gym more consistently.
Leaning Into The Emotions and Discomfort
You don’t have to feel everything all at once or start with the hardest feelings. It’s like building muscle or learning a new subject at school; it takes intentional time. Here are some quick tips on how you can gently lean into your emotions or discomfort:
Pause. Instead of reaching for your phone or distracting yourself, take a minute to pause and sit in that discomfort. Ask yourself, “What is my body feeling?” or “What emotion am I feeling right now?”
Name It. Name the emotion and create some distance between yourself and the emotion to show that it’s just a feeling; it’s not your identity or entire experience. For example, “I am feeling anxious/sad/angry.”
Scan Your Body. Start at your head and move down to your feet. What does it feel like? Where’s the tension? How’s your breathing and heart rate? How’s your body temperature? Below is a visual example on scanning your body:
Journal/Dump. Let your feelings speak. What are the feelings communicating to you? Dump your thoughts into a journal, speak into a voice note, or just scribble on a page. Let it out so that the emotions become less overwhelming. This puts you in control.
Take Action. After sitting with these feelings, take gentle action to do what’s next. Is it setting a boundary? Communicating your needs? Reaching out to someone? Going to the gym? Whatever it is, try to gently honor what your emotion is telling you that you need.
Final Thoughts
So, let’s try to gently lean into discomfort day by day in ways that work for us. 1% and even 0.1% of discomfort is better than not trying at all. In the moment, growth won’t feel like growth at all, but if we stop running away from discomfort and start feeling, we can give ourselves a chance to finally heal and grow.
Let’s be curious about our feelings and discomfort and ask ourselves, “What might this feeling be telling/teaching me?” By increasing our distress tolerance and sitting in discomfort, we can come out wiser and stronger. Reach out to your therapist for tips on how to grow safely and at your own pace.
Sources
LeWine, H. E. (2024, April 3). Understanding the stress response. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response
Ma, L. (2023, September 26). The key skill we rarely learn: How to feel your feelings. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/harnessing-principles-of-change/202010/the-key-skill-we-rarely-learn-how-to-feel-your-feelings
Montano, C. A. (2024, September 6). Emotional avoidance and mental well-being. OU Health Campus. https://students.ouhsc.edu/news/articles/emotional-avoidance-and-mental-well-being
Wong, A. (2023, August 25). Lean in to discomfort: Somatic practices for difficult feelings. Somatopia. https://www.somatopia.com/blog/lean-in-to-discomfort-somatic-practices-for-difficult-feelings
Woolley, K., & Fishbach, A. (2022). Motivating personal growth by seeking discomfort. Psychological Science, 33(4), 510–523. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976211044685