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Sitting with Feelings

  • Writer: Matthew Dean
    Matthew Dean
  • 10 hours ago
  • 4 min read

Dear Reader, 


As you begin reading this post, I invite you to pause and notice what you are sitting or standing on. Can you feel the floor beneath your feet? Or perhaps notice the way your seat cradles you? Is your chair comfortable? Or are you straining your neck to see the screen? What you just did was pay attention to the sensations of your body. That is the first step in growing towards sitting with your feelings. 


There are so many words out there that try to explain our internal reactions. Thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. Sensations. Senses. Reactions. Urges. And so on. Yet, many of us have a hard time finding the “right” words to use to describe our inner world. The phrase “sitting with feelings” insinuates a pause. You are not running with your feelings. You’re stopping and listening. Perhaps a better way to phrase it would be to “invite your feelings."



Sometimes I will hear clients say, “I don’t want to feel my feelings because they hurt." The reality is, your feelings are not optional. They are impacting you in some way. Your stress from work may show up as a headache. Your disappointment from your marriage may show up in reaching for another glass of wine. Your hurt from your parents may cause you to yell at your own kids. 


Left un-metabolized, that is, to be unfelt, your feelings find whatever outlet they can to be expressed. Often this outlet shows up in unplanned, or unhealthy ways. I get it--allowing your body to cry or feel disappointment does not feel “good." But your body was designed to move through feelings. Allowing the reality of your experience to move through you in the form of inviting feelings allows your nervous system to regulate. 


Let’s use food as an example. Something happens to every bit of food you eat. It becomes muscle, energy, fat, or waste. Moving through it is inevitable. Your experiences in life are similar. Your nervous system reacts to every encounter.  So what can you do? Below are some steps you can take to invite whatever feelings are already stored in your body. Giving them space to be present allows them to move through you. What you’ll notice is that curiosity and invitation is at the core of sitting with a feeling. The goal is not to change a feeling, rather to feel it while staying regulated.


Get Curious 

What am I sensing in my body? What is the possible meaning of that sensation? The chart above gives language and possible meanings to the sensations we often feel. The first step in connecting our mind and body is being curious. 


Let the Emotion/Feeling Exist 

Acknowledge the sensation/feeling without trying to change it. You may find that the feeling naturally shifts. Or, your body may naturally respond to the emotion you feel. But first, pay attention to it without fighting it. 


Be Compassionate, Kind, and Gentle with Yourself 


This often means validating your emotion. “Yes, today was a hard day”. Being compassionate also means avoiding labeling the feeling as “good” or “bad”. Feelings are information about your experience, not moral judgments or declarations. Having an emotion is not a choice. What you do with it afterwards is your choice. Judging yourself for having a certain emotion often contributes to the distressing feelings getting stuck. 


Remember that Your Feelings Are Temporary 

Feelings come and go - that is natural! Use language that supports the present: “Right now I feel…”, “In this moment I feel…”. Remembering the fluidity of your feelings can help distressing ones be less overwhelming. 


Offer Yourself Containment 

Set up an environment that is naturally soothing. Some ideas include: 

- Lighting a candle 

- Swaddling yourself in a blanket 

- Holding a warm beverage 

- Play light instrumental music in the background 

- Have someone you know you can call or visit with after 

- Feel your feelings with someone that care for you 



As you practice inviting your feelings, you will begin to learn what your body is telling you. From there you get to care for your body. Our brain helps us make sense of what we feel. We use language to communicate with others and even to ourselves. Yet, our bodies are what clue us in to what our experiences are like. Because of that, it is deeply important to tend to our body. Here are some ideas of some activities to do after sitting with your feelings to help soothe and regulate after activation that may have occurred.



Gently Move Your Body 

- Gently move your head from side to side and up and down. You may notice a sigh or a breath organically emerge. 

- Roll your shoulders 

- Stretch your arms up and out 

- Wiggle your fingers and toes 


Take Deep Breaths 

- There are many different breathing techniques that tell you how many seconds to inhale or hold your breath. Do what works for you. The most important thing is that it feels safe and comfortable for body. 


Get Up and Move 

- Whether it is inside or outside, allow your body to resume normal activity through movement. 



Do Something Soothing 

- Take a warm bath or shower. Curl up in a blanket for a few minutes. Sit in your massage chair. Hold your cat or dog. Doing things that feel physically comfortable on your skin can help restore a sense of calmness.


Wherever you are on your feeling journey, remember that practice makes progress, not perfection. Your invitation is to take the next step. As you do so, may you be curious and gentle with yourself. 



Sources:

 



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